Two days ago i was accepted into Arizona State University...
a creative writing Major....
For months I have been scared out of my mind. All my life i have held some comfort in knowing where i was going that one year latter i would be here or there. But the unknown has scared me to death, not knowing where i was going. But now i do, sorta, I'm not sure that I will for a fact be going to ASU, but it is an extremely real possibility.
Where at a strange place in our lives... I like to sorta think of it as the in between...
the in between between knowing and not knowing
its a scary thought... its like standing in front of the ocean... you can see the surface... but you cant see whats under it all... and you can only see so far...
And here we are standing on the shore...
we can see a glimpse of where we are going... but we cant go for it.
all we can do is look out into the open water... and prepare to jump
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
one year ago... you became my best friend
one year ago you changed my life...
on simple phone callyou soathed away tears and fears...
you listened and spoke...
you cared when you had no reasson to...
it was the worst night of my life....
you terned it into the starting point of the best times of my life...
Today you are soo much more then just the best friend you became that night....
Thank you... for giveing me my life... and standing by me when as became the person i am today
on simple phone callyou soathed away tears and fears...
you listened and spoke...
you cared when you had no reasson to...
it was the worst night of my life....
you terned it into the starting point of the best times of my life...
Today you are soo much more then just the best friend you became that night....
Thank you... for giveing me my life... and standing by me when as became the person i am today
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
More english home work!
crayon box
So I was reading this survey and one of the questions was "if you where a crayon what color crayon would you be?" and it got me to thinking... what color crayon would I be? after doing a little research ( im bored people, seriously I have nothing better to do with my time) I discovered since the establishment of Crayola Crayons in 1903, the Crayola team has created over 120 different colored crayons all deriving from the original 8 Black, Brown, Blue, Orange, Violet, Green, Red, and Yellow. New colors include everything from Flesh (which was changed to peach on 1962 due to the civil rights movement) to Ultra Pink (Ultra was used to identify the florescent colors until 1990 when the names where changed). In the early 1990's costumers were being asked to name the new crayons where names such as Wild Strawberry and Piggy Pink where introduced. After contemplating this wide selection of colors one would think I would pick the most outrageous crazy far from the norm color. But after much thought I easily decided which would represent me. Introduced in the early 1950's this color has been a part of every Crayola box. Never retired, never renamed, it is often forgotten that it is even there. But I believe the Crayon that would best suit me out of the box would be white. White! You say. Yes white. One thing about the lonely white crayon of the box is that though when you are first introduced to it as white upon opening a new box, it never stays that way. Eventually the other colors begin to rub off on it. Instead of that new white look it begins to get specks of blue, green and yes wild strawberry on it. When you finally do decided to use the white crayon you come to realize that it does not actually draw white. You are left with rembrents of all the other colors of the box that come along with it. And it never leaves the same colors sometimes its blueish sometimes it’s redish. These added colors often lead to frustration as you draw your sketch of the night sky when you are left with an off-pink looking star. But aren’t these specks just the influence and the knowledge the other crayons have left upon it. Each speck is a memory of the time that crayon was placed next to it in the box. How each and every crayon in the box has affected that white crayon. That ladies and gents is why I think I am the white crayon. Because when you first meet me I am a clean slate, but the longer you get to know me it’s the influences and the memory others have left upon my life that begin to be reveled. So in conclusion I would like to thank all of those who have left specks on me and turned me into the not so white crayon that I am
So I was reading this survey and one of the questions was "if you where a crayon what color crayon would you be?" and it got me to thinking... what color crayon would I be? after doing a little research ( im bored people, seriously I have nothing better to do with my time) I discovered since the establishment of Crayola Crayons in 1903, the Crayola team has created over 120 different colored crayons all deriving from the original 8 Black, Brown, Blue, Orange, Violet, Green, Red, and Yellow. New colors include everything from Flesh (which was changed to peach on 1962 due to the civil rights movement) to Ultra Pink (Ultra was used to identify the florescent colors until 1990 when the names where changed). In the early 1990's costumers were being asked to name the new crayons where names such as Wild Strawberry and Piggy Pink where introduced. After contemplating this wide selection of colors one would think I would pick the most outrageous crazy far from the norm color. But after much thought I easily decided which would represent me. Introduced in the early 1950's this color has been a part of every Crayola box. Never retired, never renamed, it is often forgotten that it is even there. But I believe the Crayon that would best suit me out of the box would be white. White! You say. Yes white. One thing about the lonely white crayon of the box is that though when you are first introduced to it as white upon opening a new box, it never stays that way. Eventually the other colors begin to rub off on it. Instead of that new white look it begins to get specks of blue, green and yes wild strawberry on it. When you finally do decided to use the white crayon you come to realize that it does not actually draw white. You are left with rembrents of all the other colors of the box that come along with it. And it never leaves the same colors sometimes its blueish sometimes it’s redish. These added colors often lead to frustration as you draw your sketch of the night sky when you are left with an off-pink looking star. But aren’t these specks just the influence and the knowledge the other crayons have left upon it. Each speck is a memory of the time that crayon was placed next to it in the box. How each and every crayon in the box has affected that white crayon. That ladies and gents is why I think I am the white crayon. Because when you first meet me I am a clean slate, but the longer you get to know me it’s the influences and the memory others have left upon my life that begin to be reveled. So in conclusion I would like to thank all of those who have left specks on me and turned me into the not so white crayon that I am
Monday, January 5, 2009
my english homework
Ligh vs Dark. Bad vs Good?
So many people have asked me what's so great about the night that I would rather get up at sunset and go to sleep at dawn. Why I spend countless hours lost in thought under the night sky? How I can prefer to walk into a dark room and leave the lights off.
But I have some questions myself. Why does the dark evoke fear in the human mind? Why do the monsters in the stories meant to scare us as children, (Ghost, Vampires, Werewolves, etc.) only appear by moon light? Why do we Search for beauty in the day yet fail to see the splendor of the night.
Fear of the Dark is not an uncommon thing, as children most of us cling to the night light to scare away the "monsters" from under our beds. Even as we grow older and learn that these monsters do not exist we still jump when the sliest sound stirs in the night.
We assume with in our minds the connection between darkness and evil there for making light=good and God and the dark=bad and the Devil. Therefore those who delight in those things we classify as dark and evil (Monsters, the night, magic, the darker side of our minds) are themselves classified as evil. But are they not just embracing a side of the human form others shun in fear or possible in an attempt to not be the evil outcast?
At some time within our childhood we all believe monsters to be real even as our parents reassure is that they do not exist. A part of our mind always is fearful of them. But as we grow up we tend to stop believing in them, however, those of us who continue to stay fascinated with these creatures of the dark are often made fun of and concidered outcasted, the dark creepy kids.
Vampires and magic are probable two of the legends that are so often the center of controversy. The Vampire has captivated the minds of humans for centuries. Many people are fearful of a creature that can appear as if almost out of no where sinking their teeth into our skin killing us. However a large portion of people long to have this vampire power..
What is it about the Vampire that captivates us? In almost every Vampire legend the hopeless romantic form seems to rise above the rest. How is it that something so sinister can captivate our hearts? What girl does not long for a vampire romance, to be sought out to be praised by a man that shows the utmost affection towards her?
On the side of magic, I have never met on person who at some time in their life not dreamed of possessing the gift of magic. To be able to bring themselves good fortune and those who do bad upon them, a cures. Yet as history has shown us we fear this power as well. Sixteen people were brutally killed during the Salem witch trials of 1692. All young innocent people accused of doing a great evil. Even today those who call themselves, witches and warlocks, are themselves associated with evil. Most of the time these are just harmless teenagers having fun, however there are many people out there who really do believe they posses some sort of power.
Do we fear these people because of the fact that we ourselves do not have something as powerful as this? Why is the church so determined to condemn children's books such as Harry Potter, calling it the work of the devil because of the use of witch craft? Are they not just harmless fictional books made to entertain the mind? What is the huge danger in a world of magical creatures?
Yes in a world of magic bad is going to exist there is always going to be someone out there power hungry wishing to take control. But does that not happen even today in a world without magic? Did Hitler not do as much damage as any one possessing a magic power could do? For were there is a bad side to something isn't there almost always a good side? Yes good may not always win in real life but has it not been shown through out history that good can at least make a crack in evils armor?
And what about the people that delight in these things. The stereotypical kid walking down the street dressed in all black looking as thought he's inches from flinging himself off a cliff. Shunned by the rest of the world because he would rather live with any pain he feels then to join this age of anti depressants. Where all we are doing is messing with the chemical balance of our body forcing someone to be happy can not be any more healthy then a person who struggles with the pain of an event in their life. We are so afraid of the darker side of our emotions that we have spent billions of dollars in changing them because it is said to be bad. But all these people are doing is realizing that this side of the human plate of emotions is completely normal and they have chosen to embrace it rather then shun it for the acceptance of the rest of the world.
And yet in the end everything once again comes back to associate with the darkness of night and evil. Is it fear of the unknown? As we fear on a walk home after night fall of a stranger emerging from the dark?
But why then do we not live in constant fear of the same thing during the day? I have never heard of a single crime that only took place at night and was not committed during the day. Then why at night do we suddenly become nothing more then venerable prey?
As night falls we rush past it into our cozy homes, locking all doors, turning on the lights, and curling up under a blanket as though it's some shield against the evils of the dark.
We fail to see the beauty of it all. The strange orange glow of a harvest moon slowly rising in the sky, casting an odd glow over the world. The shadows created by a tree's branches basking in the moonlight. How the colors of the world seem to change. They almost match to different shades of the same color almost as to say, "all is equal in this hour." Even a simple flower is different by moonlight, creases in the petals that seem to pop out of it, that were not seen during the day.
The most beautiful thing of the night is not really a sight however, but a sound. The sound of the night. The sound of silence. Silence that makes everything feel as though it is not moving. That the world is frozen in time and you alone are left with your thoughts. This stillness is only broken by the cry of some nocturnal creature, as to say, "thank god for this wonderful beauty."
For only god could create something like this. Something so beautiful, no evil could have laid a hand upon it. For in the beginning god created night and day, one can not survive without the other, as many opposites of this world can not. But as in all things that have a reverse, one is easily feared.
But in fearing, we have forgotten the wondrous beauty that we have been gifted, when the full moon revels itself for the first time on a cloud covered night from behind clouds that appear silver on the star doted canvas that is the night sky. The beauty that is the night.
So many people have asked me what's so great about the night that I would rather get up at sunset and go to sleep at dawn. Why I spend countless hours lost in thought under the night sky? How I can prefer to walk into a dark room and leave the lights off.
But I have some questions myself. Why does the dark evoke fear in the human mind? Why do the monsters in the stories meant to scare us as children, (Ghost, Vampires, Werewolves, etc.) only appear by moon light? Why do we Search for beauty in the day yet fail to see the splendor of the night.
Fear of the Dark is not an uncommon thing, as children most of us cling to the night light to scare away the "monsters" from under our beds. Even as we grow older and learn that these monsters do not exist we still jump when the sliest sound stirs in the night.
We assume with in our minds the connection between darkness and evil there for making light=good and God and the dark=bad and the Devil. Therefore those who delight in those things we classify as dark and evil (Monsters, the night, magic, the darker side of our minds) are themselves classified as evil. But are they not just embracing a side of the human form others shun in fear or possible in an attempt to not be the evil outcast?
At some time within our childhood we all believe monsters to be real even as our parents reassure is that they do not exist. A part of our mind always is fearful of them. But as we grow up we tend to stop believing in them, however, those of us who continue to stay fascinated with these creatures of the dark are often made fun of and concidered outcasted, the dark creepy kids.
Vampires and magic are probable two of the legends that are so often the center of controversy. The Vampire has captivated the minds of humans for centuries. Many people are fearful of a creature that can appear as if almost out of no where sinking their teeth into our skin killing us. However a large portion of people long to have this vampire power..
What is it about the Vampire that captivates us? In almost every Vampire legend the hopeless romantic form seems to rise above the rest. How is it that something so sinister can captivate our hearts? What girl does not long for a vampire romance, to be sought out to be praised by a man that shows the utmost affection towards her?
On the side of magic, I have never met on person who at some time in their life not dreamed of possessing the gift of magic. To be able to bring themselves good fortune and those who do bad upon them, a cures. Yet as history has shown us we fear this power as well. Sixteen people were brutally killed during the Salem witch trials of 1692. All young innocent people accused of doing a great evil. Even today those who call themselves, witches and warlocks, are themselves associated with evil. Most of the time these are just harmless teenagers having fun, however there are many people out there who really do believe they posses some sort of power.
Do we fear these people because of the fact that we ourselves do not have something as powerful as this? Why is the church so determined to condemn children's books such as Harry Potter, calling it the work of the devil because of the use of witch craft? Are they not just harmless fictional books made to entertain the mind? What is the huge danger in a world of magical creatures?
Yes in a world of magic bad is going to exist there is always going to be someone out there power hungry wishing to take control. But does that not happen even today in a world without magic? Did Hitler not do as much damage as any one possessing a magic power could do? For were there is a bad side to something isn't there almost always a good side? Yes good may not always win in real life but has it not been shown through out history that good can at least make a crack in evils armor?
And what about the people that delight in these things. The stereotypical kid walking down the street dressed in all black looking as thought he's inches from flinging himself off a cliff. Shunned by the rest of the world because he would rather live with any pain he feels then to join this age of anti depressants. Where all we are doing is messing with the chemical balance of our body forcing someone to be happy can not be any more healthy then a person who struggles with the pain of an event in their life. We are so afraid of the darker side of our emotions that we have spent billions of dollars in changing them because it is said to be bad. But all these people are doing is realizing that this side of the human plate of emotions is completely normal and they have chosen to embrace it rather then shun it for the acceptance of the rest of the world.
And yet in the end everything once again comes back to associate with the darkness of night and evil. Is it fear of the unknown? As we fear on a walk home after night fall of a stranger emerging from the dark?
But why then do we not live in constant fear of the same thing during the day? I have never heard of a single crime that only took place at night and was not committed during the day. Then why at night do we suddenly become nothing more then venerable prey?
As night falls we rush past it into our cozy homes, locking all doors, turning on the lights, and curling up under a blanket as though it's some shield against the evils of the dark.
We fail to see the beauty of it all. The strange orange glow of a harvest moon slowly rising in the sky, casting an odd glow over the world. The shadows created by a tree's branches basking in the moonlight. How the colors of the world seem to change. They almost match to different shades of the same color almost as to say, "all is equal in this hour." Even a simple flower is different by moonlight, creases in the petals that seem to pop out of it, that were not seen during the day.
The most beautiful thing of the night is not really a sight however, but a sound. The sound of the night. The sound of silence. Silence that makes everything feel as though it is not moving. That the world is frozen in time and you alone are left with your thoughts. This stillness is only broken by the cry of some nocturnal creature, as to say, "thank god for this wonderful beauty."
For only god could create something like this. Something so beautiful, no evil could have laid a hand upon it. For in the beginning god created night and day, one can not survive without the other, as many opposites of this world can not. But as in all things that have a reverse, one is easily feared.
But in fearing, we have forgotten the wondrous beauty that we have been gifted, when the full moon revels itself for the first time on a cloud covered night from behind clouds that appear silver on the star doted canvas that is the night sky. The beauty that is the night.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
A man who changed the world
*warning this is the first but certainly not last controversial blog i will be posting, and this one isn't even that conterversel, your opinions are appreciated, and ill read them it may not change my opinion it may give me a different perspective.
So i went to see the Valkyrie with Tyler and Katie today. Its this movie about an assassination attempt on Hitler. The major part of the movie honestly was not really focused on Hitler at all, the actor portraying him only had a few lines. However the film did give a clear insight into the power this man held over Germany. Many scenes that i can only assume the directors/writers put in on purpose portrayed this. But one that stood out the most was when a telegraph message operate Begin crying upon learning the false information that Hitler had been killed. There is no doubt that Hitler did many many horrible things. However, he was an extraordinary man in a way. He managed to gain the trust and loyalty of millions of people. He grabbed on to peoples fear and a need to place that fear into something. As horrible of a person as he was he was extraordinary at becoming powerful
So i went to see the Valkyrie with Tyler and Katie today. Its this movie about an assassination attempt on Hitler. The major part of the movie honestly was not really focused on Hitler at all, the actor portraying him only had a few lines. However the film did give a clear insight into the power this man held over Germany. Many scenes that i can only assume the directors/writers put in on purpose portrayed this. But one that stood out the most was when a telegraph message operate Begin crying upon learning the false information that Hitler had been killed. There is no doubt that Hitler did many many horrible things. However, he was an extraordinary man in a way. He managed to gain the trust and loyalty of millions of people. He grabbed on to peoples fear and a need to place that fear into something. As horrible of a person as he was he was extraordinary at becoming powerful
Friday, January 2, 2009
Time
So I went to the wild animal park with chris today. Have you ever noticed the amount of old people and how slow they are. But it got me thinking, maybe they are not walking slow just because they are old maybe they are takeing their time. Takeing their time because they know something we don’t. that time keeps going that it dosnt slow down so you have to slow down for it. Walk slow with the one you love in order to charies every momment you have with them. Take the long way home just to spend an extra 5 min holding their hand. Time dosnt stop… but we can streach it out. So don’t walk to fast you forget to see the colors. Don’t think to seriously, stop to laugh. Take a deep breath and be thankful for the time you have.
Love
Love is Evil.
Love is indescribable.
Love is a knife in your heart
Love is floating on air
Love is crushing
Love is lifting
Love is painful
Love is magical
Love is nothing
Love is everything
So because everyone always have to I figure I'm going to write my own little thing on love.
I have loved three people in my life... well two maybe three.
First loves... I think it is important that everyone always keeps their first love in their heart. I think its important no matter how messy the break up that one continues to love their first love. Because honestly your first love is the reason for the rest of your relationships. Your first love gives you those things you know you know to look for in your future relationships. It is the basic building block of all future relationships... You should never stop talking to your first love. You should never stop caring. Never regret any moment because once you would give your life for it you have no right to regret it now.
Second love? I have always questioned this love. It was a short relationship. Many people called it a rebound. I didn't cry when we broke up. Even if i lied and said i did. I only cried when i was told that he had said he had not loved me. Honestly he never said that to me. Even at the end of our friendship he didn't say it to me. Not to my face. He told me he hated me in a text. But he never said he didn't love me. I don't know if i ever really did. I've heard it said if you dont cry in the end it wasn't really love. I didn't cry. The only time i cried was when i lost him as a friend. I think I put more of my heart into that "friendship" then i did into the relationship. I spent a year chasing after "love." even a love i questioned to be love, why? I knew i was being used. I knew i was being strung along. So why did i chase after him. Why did I continue to tell myself i love him. when i questioned it. After everything that happened I should hate him.... but I don't... I don't care about him, at least not like i used to.... and i don't love him... not like if i ever did. I don't miss him... but i thank him. I thank him for teaching me many life lessons, though some hard, i thank him because if it wasn't for him i would have never meet love number three.
Every girl wants their fairy tale. Most girls never find it or work so hard they settle for less. But i did i found it. I cant put into words how much i love this boy. when I'm with him nothing wrong can happen. I never thought that I would be able to last in a long distance relationship. But you know as much as i miss him its not that hard. I mean sure it sucks not seeing him when i want to. not being able to hold him. But it makes me love every moment I'm with him even more. No one compares to him. he is perfect. The only way i can explain it is think of that sappy girlly chick flick... and that feeling you get while watching it... that "awww i want that relationship... why doesn't that happen in really life" feeling... that what i have everyday... but its 100 times better cause i actually have that relationship! Its true what everyone says about dating your best friend its so amazing.
If there is one thing i have learned in my dating life its this.... Love is the most complicated thing in the world... yet the simplest. Love is as full of contradictions as I am. No one can explain love. but everyone has a theory on it. Love is not an emotion or a state of mind. Love is just that Love.... a four letter word that can start and stop wars, Destroy and build house holds, fix and complicate lives. Its just Love!
I cant tell you what love is or what it feels like. No more then you can tell me. Just don't be afraid to love. that's the only advice anyone can ever give on the subject. Broken hearts mend and hearts that love always full.
Love is indescribable.
Love is a knife in your heart
Love is floating on air
Love is crushing
Love is lifting
Love is painful
Love is magical
Love is nothing
Love is everything
So because everyone always have to I figure I'm going to write my own little thing on love.
I have loved three people in my life... well two maybe three.
First loves... I think it is important that everyone always keeps their first love in their heart. I think its important no matter how messy the break up that one continues to love their first love. Because honestly your first love is the reason for the rest of your relationships. Your first love gives you those things you know you know to look for in your future relationships. It is the basic building block of all future relationships... You should never stop talking to your first love. You should never stop caring. Never regret any moment because once you would give your life for it you have no right to regret it now.
Second love? I have always questioned this love. It was a short relationship. Many people called it a rebound. I didn't cry when we broke up. Even if i lied and said i did. I only cried when i was told that he had said he had not loved me. Honestly he never said that to me. Even at the end of our friendship he didn't say it to me. Not to my face. He told me he hated me in a text. But he never said he didn't love me. I don't know if i ever really did. I've heard it said if you dont cry in the end it wasn't really love. I didn't cry. The only time i cried was when i lost him as a friend. I think I put more of my heart into that "friendship" then i did into the relationship. I spent a year chasing after "love." even a love i questioned to be love, why? I knew i was being used. I knew i was being strung along. So why did i chase after him. Why did I continue to tell myself i love him. when i questioned it. After everything that happened I should hate him.... but I don't... I don't care about him, at least not like i used to.... and i don't love him... not like if i ever did. I don't miss him... but i thank him. I thank him for teaching me many life lessons, though some hard, i thank him because if it wasn't for him i would have never meet love number three.
Every girl wants their fairy tale. Most girls never find it or work so hard they settle for less. But i did i found it. I cant put into words how much i love this boy. when I'm with him nothing wrong can happen. I never thought that I would be able to last in a long distance relationship. But you know as much as i miss him its not that hard. I mean sure it sucks not seeing him when i want to. not being able to hold him. But it makes me love every moment I'm with him even more. No one compares to him. he is perfect. The only way i can explain it is think of that sappy girlly chick flick... and that feeling you get while watching it... that "awww i want that relationship... why doesn't that happen in really life" feeling... that what i have everyday... but its 100 times better cause i actually have that relationship! Its true what everyone says about dating your best friend its so amazing.
If there is one thing i have learned in my dating life its this.... Love is the most complicated thing in the world... yet the simplest. Love is as full of contradictions as I am. No one can explain love. but everyone has a theory on it. Love is not an emotion or a state of mind. Love is just that Love.... a four letter word that can start and stop wars, Destroy and build house holds, fix and complicate lives. Its just Love!
I cant tell you what love is or what it feels like. No more then you can tell me. Just don't be afraid to love. that's the only advice anyone can ever give on the subject. Broken hearts mend and hearts that love always full.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Little decissions that will change your life
For a very long time now I have been told that i make decisions today that effect the rest of my life. That its not fair that i don't have the life experience to do so. But what is not enough recognized is how EVERYTHING changes your life. deciding to answer my phone even when i didn't recognize the number changed my life. Calling that number back and talking to that person changed so many things. I look back on many phone calls that changed things in my life. If i had not talked to Chris that night even when there was only one person i wanted to talk to. I would never have learned to trust him so much. I would never had become to close to him. He would have never become one of my best friends. I would not be dating him. If i had not gotten texting i would never have had that conversation which lead to may 2nd (the day of the biggest mistake of my life). But its SO much more then all of that. I meet my first best friend because she liked my shoes. If i had gotten diffrent shoes maybe I would have different friends. But this is deeper then just my life. If i had not become friends with her I would not have made other friends i made through my life. I would not have meet J. (not giving full name) I would not have stopped him from killing himself. But maybe he would have done it. Maybe he would have meet someone else. Maybe they wouldn't have sent him thousands of miles away. Maybe...Maybe...maybe...maybe.... but we have to look at where we are and not at what the could have beens right. But its strange to think that even right now... deciding to lay in bed and type this while watching a movie could be changing something in my life....
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